This post over at Third Mom is well worth a read.
"That work includes balancing the imbalanced adoption dynamic: the fact
that adoptive parents control so much of the experience, from the
surrender of children down to their children's identities. Adoptive parents need to remember that we exist in our role because bad things happen to other people.
In a perfect world, we wouldn't exist at all because children wouldn't
need us: they would be with the parents who gave birth to them, and
those parents would have the means and desire to parent them. And that
would be a good thing, a very good thing indeed.
We need to embrace our superfluousness, not fear it."
--"The superfluous adoptive parent", Third Mom
Go read the whole thing.