Part II: Second Mother

**This post is the second in a series about our adoption process to date.

So, I think we established in the last post that Sean and I are kind of jerks for adopting YH.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding --sort of. The fact is it really sucks all around that this sweet kid "needs" to be adopted. I am confident that our family will embrace him, and do our best to support him, and nurture him to grow into the best YH he can be. But it stinks that his first mother doesn't get the chance to do that.

I am not going to go into the specifics of how YH came to be available for international adoption but I will say that he was relinquished at birth. He spent a brief period of time in a reception center and then at 14 days old moved in with his foster family. His second mother, Mrs. S, is his primary caregiver. She spends every day with him--feeding him, sleeping with him on her chest, dressing him in ridiculously cute outfits, bathing him, wiping his nose, taking him for walks in the park--she is his everything.

See this picture?

This is me and my Sweet Bubs, when he was 25 months old. I spent pretty much every minute of his life physically connected to him. At this age Sweet Bubs was an extension of me--my heart outside of my body. You can *see* that in this picture.

Now see this?

This is a picture of YH and his Second Mother taken earlier this month (he is 23 months old). I won't show her face for privacy reasons but if you could see beneath the goofy pink heart you would see that *same* connection between her and YH. They share the same laughing expression in this photo. They are both in on the same joke, delighting in being wrapped up in one another.

I am committed to facilitating a relationship between YH and his Second Mother for as long as she is a willing participant. I can't imagine having to hand over the baby you have raised for two years to another family and I want to acknowledge that our joy is complicit in her grief. I can't prevent that grief but I can hopefully help ease the tidal pull of it by sending her updates and photos and "allowing" her to continue to love YH (and him to love her).

This concept of "allowing" someone to continue to love the child they have raised is a weird one (of course I don't have power over another woman's heart) but there are adoptive parents who feel it is in the child's best interest to cut off all ties with the foster family. There are adoptive parents who feel that since they are the "forever family" they have exclusive rights to their child's love and admiration. I think that's bullshit.  YH and Mrs. S will always be connected--and that's a good thing.