Good news: Several of my friends who have been waiting for so long to meet their children were submitted for EP today! This is wonderful! The process has started after months of no movement!
And if you were sitting across from me right now you would see how big my smile is and how many tears are coursing down my face.
Because: we were NOT submitted for EP today.
And I know-- I really, really know--that it was a long shot anyway. But it definitely sounded like there was a possibility. And I definitely let myself get excited about that possibility.
And now...now I am struggling to feel anything.
I am numb and sad and envious of my friends who *were* submitted--and feeling guilty about feeling envious.
I want to scream about how unfair it all seems. I want someone to buy me a drink. I want to take a nap with my cat. I want to be thankful for what I do have, and to stop feeling this way. I want to be able to get off my rear and go grocery shopping. I want to forget this is happening.
I heard from our program specialist minutes before I left to read a story to Sweet Bub's kindergarten class. Her email was sweet, and contained updated measurements and photos of YH. It wasn't all bad news.
But the bad news was what stuck in my throat. The bad news was what made my eyes fill with tears as I read "My Name is Yoon" to a classroom of bright, shining faces. The bad news made me hug Sweet Bubs extra tight on my way out and had me sobbing in the car on the way home.
The bad news has me pinned to the couch, trying to remember that this will eventually happen. It has to.