Well.
Good news: Several of my friends who have been waiting for so long to meet their children were submitted for EP today! This is wonderful! The process has started after months of no movement!
And if you were sitting across from me right now you would see how big my smile is and how many tears are coursing down my face.
Because: we were NOT submitted for EP today.
And I know-- I really, really know--that it was a long shot anyway. But it definitely sounded like there was a possibility. And I definitely let myself get excited about that possibility.
And now...now I am struggling to feel anything.
I am numb and sad and envious of my friends who *were* submitted--and feeling guilty about feeling envious.
I want to scream about how unfair it all seems. I want someone to buy me a drink. I want to take a nap with my cat. I want to be thankful for what I do have, and to stop feeling this way. I want to be able to get off my rear and go grocery shopping. I want to forget this is happening.
I heard from our program specialist minutes before I left to read a story to Sweet Bub's kindergarten class. Her email was sweet, and contained updated measurements and photos of YH. It wasn't all bad news.
But the bad news was what stuck in my throat. The bad news was what made my eyes fill with tears as I read "My Name is Yoon" to a classroom of bright, shining faces. The bad news made me hug Sweet Bubs extra tight on my way out and had me sobbing in the car on the way home.
The bad news has me pinned to the couch, trying to remember that this will eventually happen. It has to.
Hugs! Praying these are processed super fast and that the next submission won't be far behind. It WILL happen! Thinking of you. So sorry!!!
ReplyDeleteYES. It will happen.
ReplyDeleteSomeday soon, you'll be running around, thinking to yourself, "Shit. Why didn't I do this before my TC?"
Treat yourself to something special tonight. Keep yourself busy, and stay surrounded by people you love, and who love you.
You have every right to feel discouraged. It will happen soon.
It's Michelle Rutta Wahe BTW :)
ReplyDeleteOh I remember. I remember the failed IVFs when 'cycle buddies' all got pregnant. Or when other families received referrals and we didn't. I remember trying so hard to be grateful for what I did have, but my heart hurt too much for what I didn't have. It's such a unique kind of pain, loving a child on the other side of the world, waiting on paperwork to process.
ReplyDeleteTreat yourself gently during this time. I know that one day it will all be a distant memory, and I'm hoping that day comes soon.
Wish I could give you a big hug... it will happen - in the meantime let yourself grieve without guilt.
ReplyDeleteOh Nora I completely hear you ... last night as I was laying (lying??) next to Alvin in bed it came over me how my friends would still be waking up tomorrow feeling .... uh, how we've felt the past two months. Survivors' guilt for sure. The full weight of how absolutely awful the past two months have been hit me full force. To the point where I'm having a hard time pulling out of that. I can't remember how to live my life. All that to say, nap with the cat. I did that Monday and even this morning. I still feel like I need to. Soon we will be commiserating AT THE SAME TIME I AM SURE (not batches, trickle in) about all there is to do and what to buy for a present.
ReplyDelete