Exhausted.

Well.

In the ongoing saga of absolutely NO MOVEMENT on the adoption process, there has been NO MOVEMENT. Well, except for the rapid plummeting of the hearts, hopes and dreams of those of us waiting.

The most recent credible rumor was that the South Korean government ministry in charge of processing emigration permits would begin accepting submissions from placing agencies in "mid-February".

"Mid-February" was Monday. It was Tuesday. It was Wednesday and it is today. And the ministry has not started accepting submissions. At this point families have been matched with a specific child, waiting to take custody of that child, for up to 15 months.

Our US agencies have no idea when the ministry will accept submissons. The Korean placing agencies have no idea when it will happen.

We are all losing our minds.

If you are my friend in real life, and you are still speaking to me, kudos to you. Because man, I don't even want to be around me.

The wait, the unknowns, the worry, the fear--we are exhausted. And we are exhausting. If you don't ask us about how our son/daughter in Korea is doing we feel like you don't care. If you do ask us about him/her, we start to cry or rant. When you make what you think is a light hearted joke about how buying new shoes/looking at getting a puppy/buying a house is a "replacement" for not having our waiting child, it feels like you punched us in the stomach.

Because at this point, it feel entirely possible that we will not get to take custody of these children.

We think of the empty strollers parked in our garage. Of the booster seat strapped to a dining room chair. Of the quilt we made by hand six months ago, waiting to cover a softly sleeping form.

We think of our toddlers in Korea, so attached to their foster families/caregivers. We think of how confusing it will be for them to be handed over to a new family. Or to leave the facility where they've lived their whole lives.

We think of the older children we are adopting. The child about to turn five who knows she has a family waiting for her but doesn't understand why they aren't there yet. Why it is taking so long? Did they change their minds?

We think of the foster families, who have cared for our children since shortly after birth. Who have slept with these babies on their chests, carried them on their backs, bathed them and witnessed their first steps. What an incredible burden to fill their hearts with so much love and then take it away.

We think of the children already in our families. Children who don't understand the invisible sibling. Children who don't understand why we are so quick to cry at the sight of a toddler.

This sucks. It just sucks.