Friday, February 3, 2012

It's your lucky day!

Internet friends, it is your lucky day!

Today I got to do my emo-sadsack-rambling to a LIVE (freakishly strong) HUMAN  BEING. Which means you, dear reader, shall be spared some of the intensity of entries past.

You are welcome.

Sean will also be glad once he hears this news, as I made the last two days nearly unbearable for him.

 We've been fighting all week and it is 98% my fault.
                                                   Handsome man in beard hat and parka

In times of stress I have the charming habit of lashing out at the person closest to me, the person who I know can see me at my worst and still want to hang out with me. Horrible, right? Instead of seeking solace and understanding from Sean I redirect my frustration onto him.

I am also one of those annoying spouses who picks and picks at a subject until I get a reaction. In an argument I think and process AS I talk and I view silence as the worst kind of enemy. I am prone to hyperbole and I want immediate responses from my partner.

My husband prefers to listen, think about what was said, think about what his reaction will be, take some time to find the best words...and at this stage in the "discussion" I have already freaked out over his lack of reaction and begun to fire barbs at him until he HAS to respond.

I'm awesome, I know.

So last night's "discussion" was about the different approaches we have each taken in preparing for YH to join our family. My approach has been to function as an information gatherer. I have bookshelves full of tomes about his potential special needs, about adoption, about toddler adoption, about adoption and attachment...on and on. I read dozens of blogs, participate in online discussions, and compile lists of developmental pediatricians/occupational therapists/geneticists/diagnostic clinics. I buy toys and t-shirts and I hand-sew bedding for him.

I sit and silently seethe when it looks like I am the only one who is preparing for this child to be a part of our daily lives. I wait for the merit fairy to descend from the heavens and bestow upon me a very special martyr badge. I make an ass of myself because I cannot recognize that just as in our divergent "discussion" styles, my husband prefers to take a more subdued approach to these preparations.

In fact he is thinking about all the same things that I am thinking about. He is planning for our changing family dynamics and putting intentional thought into how best to support one another through the "knitting together" phase of our growth. He is imagining how we will survive sleepless nights, how we will insure our older children get the attention they deserve, how we will work out the logistics of our first trip to the supermarket as a family of 5....

Sean is focused on the practicalities of our daily lives and I am focused on supporting the (as-yet) intangible needs of our future son. What I perceived as being efforts at cross-purposes from one another are in fact complementary pieces of our survival tool-kit.

The knitting together has already begun.

We're a good team.

(even though it took a giant fight to realize it)


  1. Yes, indeed. You are a good team. And for what it's worth, also a positive marriage role model. Xo

  2. i came across your blog yesterday and left it open on my browser so i could bookmark it (because i had to run out the door) and i'm so glad i did. love this post. and if it makes you feel better i also lash out on the person closest to me. and my husband and i share respective processes for preparing for our child to join our family! not us, them! :)